I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
