Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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