1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
