i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
