I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
