I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
