I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
