Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
