so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
