I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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