if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
