Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
