he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
