I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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