Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
