Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
