You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
