The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
