this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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