You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
