I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
