i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
