I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
