When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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