god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
