Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
