I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
