It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
