3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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