Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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