Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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