Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
