I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
