I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
