Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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