Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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