i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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