I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
3 2 1 whiskey
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
