I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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