standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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