OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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