Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
