he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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