I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
