I'm gonna have a badass scar
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
