worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
