Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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