UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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