I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
