Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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