watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
